How to con the neocons! ; ))

...



Whoa, there Cash Cow Cowboys, not so fast! We saw that Nader payback you gave us for Ross Perot's messing up the '92 and '96 victories for Bubba Arkansas. And we're not really sure we want to drop the idea that Donna and Monica and Los Bimbas Ricas Bonitas weren't on the money-laundered payroll at some offshore blueblood think tank. Seems a buck'll buy a few swiftboaters, too.

Now why haven't we gotten in on this game plan? It's not like it's the most ingenious thing we ever did see, 'ceptin' plenty of us Dems seem to be more taken with our blinders than our bleeding hearts these days.

Yep, welcome to the dumbed down Democratic Party, neither new nor improved - party of Those Who Shot Straight (Blanks) and Wear Blinders.

Now why aren't we more wily PRO-gressive types coming up with a few mod politicO tricks ourselves. Why be all afeared of splitting the Dems into the Dean Wing and the Straight Arrow Blind But Smiling Wing when we could be concocting a little party of our own - on the RIGHT?

Yessiree, that's right - on the RIGHT. We need the anti-Nader, and there are plenty of 'em out there. Pat Buchanan made a pretty good one. Pat Robertson made a pretty good one way back when. So let's be crafty about this: let's choose somebody whose name isn't Pat - somebody whose name sounds vaguely English, like those diciples were English, same as the Beatles. They'll run Ringo, and we'll come back at 'em with John, Paul AND George. Maybe not George. One was enough, and then, almost 200 years later, George McGovern proved that nobody else named George should ever be even close to remoted elected president. But some of us didn't learn, and now we've had two more has been George's with a capital T trump card in their back pockets, and that would be T for Texas. One ran the CIA from behind closed doors. One ran a baseball team from behind a T2 supertankard of swill Lone Star beer - or was it putrescent Pearl?

There certainly seem to be lots of Johns to choose from, no matter what side of the aisle you're on, though the two lady senators from California are twice the men they will ever be. Ah California, where the women are manly, and the men are... cartoons.

OK, so whatever his (or her) name is, let's make this party the kind of party that gets real church-going, God-fearing fanatics to flee those milk toast middle of the road Republicans. They know that lawyers and banks and Wall Street groupies aren't REALLY God's people.

This party's gotta have a name, and it can't be subtle because it's followers won't be subtle. They'll be wanting to go postal on any federal anything if given half the chance and a box of bullets. And don't worry about the hypocrisy of it all - they won't get it. They're the friendly folks who INVENTED blinders - and rose colored glasses that have little pictures of Elvis at the temples. (Yes, of course, we'd get Elvis to get on this ticket, but he has left the convention hall and is currently holding forth on some deity's right hand.)

But you know where we're goin' with this. You know this is God's country, and it's time we had a party that said so. We're men (and wives), not apes, for godsakes. So let's stand tall and be proud to give it up for the some such Christian Coalition Party. Or hey, better yet, the Jesus for Justice Party. That's it. Put the man's name on the door and on the bumper stickers. "Jesus is my co-pilot, and I vote."

Slogans abound: "We put God's law above anybody else's."

Take your party back to the good ol' days when the George before than cherry-choppin' Washington guy was not just an elected president but a Crowned King! Yes, with the Country & Western party you can two step it and swing right back to the traditions on which this country was founded, when real Americans spoke the king's English, when the gentry owned all the land this side of the Indian territories, when Puritans got some respect or the lash - and when witches, slaves, traitors, freethinkers, misunderstood patriots and other ne'er-do-wells were duly hanged.

Now that party would get the right scrambling from the awesome electoral might of the NEXT FDR, wherever he (or she) is. And isn't it about time we asked?