Bears At Home In New Jersey

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[Trenton, NJ] In a surprise move this week, due to an increase in damage and nuisance calls about scavenging black bears, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Welfare determined it was necessary to remove 2.37 million people from the state of New Jersey.

Apparently, the state of New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the nation - for people and perhaps for black bears as well. So about one in four state residents must relocate by October 31, 2007, in order to make way for the bears' denning and birthing season that winter and the following spring of 2008.

At the state house this morning, Governor Grizzly Adams proclaimed that, "2008 will be a fresh start for the bears. They'll have room to roam once again without startling little Timmy on the way to the school bus."

Officials decided that, in spite of burgeoning population growth, suburban sprawl, Superfund sites (108 toxic waste dumps alone - a national record) and the dumping of dead bodies wearing tailored suits named Jimmy and Grego, that far too much of the Garden State remains prime black bear habitat. The bears have been showing up in backyards and campgrounds more often than in previous years, as people and bears try to live on more of the same acres.

The New Jersey Fish and Game Council estimates that there approximately 3400 bears in the state, up from about 2200 only several years ago. The United States Census Bureau reported the state's human population in the 2000 Census to be 8,414,350, and a more recent report has put the state's 2005 population at 8,698,879, an increase of 284,529 in just five short years. Yet it seems the bears continue to roam and scavenge in plain sight, especially in the northwest corner of the state, thus staking their claim to their ancestral homelands. No bear has caused injury to any of the human residents, but it was decided to move out several million residents who have moved into prime bear habitat before anyone gets hurt. (In the past, bear hunts were ordered, but a newly enlightened state legislature has decided against another hunt.

"Big" John Brown, the director of the state's Division of Fish and Wildlife, said that there were as many as 3400 black bears now in the state of New Jersey, and that it was clear some of the people would have to go. The first to go will be those who live where the bears most want to live. Asked how he knew those locations, Mr. Brown replied, "We'll start with those folks who filed damage and nuisance complaints. Obviously, they're coming into the closest contact with the bears. They're in the bears' backyards." Preferential treatment to remain a resident of New Jersey would be given to those who had lived in the state for over 20 years, had not had children, AND who lived within ten miles of an establish central business district (CBD) or what used to be known as a "downtown."

New Jersey covers an area of 8,722 square miles. It is the 47th state in size. Yet it ranks 10th in human population. There are about 1050 people per square mile (13 times the national average). Mr. Brown said, "Well, you can do the math. There are only .32 bears per square mile - that's just shy of a third of a bear - so obviously it's the people who have to go."

Besides the highest number of toxic dumps, New Jersey is known for some other national records as well. It has the largest seaport in the U.S., it has the largest oil storage facilities in the country, and it is the nation's largest producer of chemicals. And this just in: NJ is the world capital of car theft. Newark alone suffers more car thefts than New York City and Los Angeles combined.

Many things humans like were invented in the state: the light bulb, the record player, the movie camera, the drive-in movie, and baseball. Few may know that the science of paleontology was first practiced on a set of dinosaur bones within the state. And many may be surprised to learn that the Statue of Liberty is actually in New Jersey, not New York.

But Governor Adams said Wednesday, "Enough is enough. Good or bad, we just don't need this many people in something called 'the Garden State,' and it's become increasingly obvious that the bears would like for us to leave them alone. So some compromise had to be reached, and I am sure many of our residents will take pride in giving up their hard-earned acreage and move into condominiums where there are fewer bears needing to forage."

The only segments of society immune to the move order are the faculty at Princeton and the upper management at the casinos in Atlantic City.

Officials say that at least 2% of the people are happy with the decision but that 93% agree it is the best thing to do for the land they love and all species concerned. It has been reported that some people in the nortwest corner of the state most favored by bears are already dismantling their houses and reserving moving vans.

"The bears are home already," Governor Adams said, "and it's time for us to deal with the real root of this problem and pack up. I became the leader of this state to do the right thing for the great state of New Jersey."

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[NOT! Now see this.]