Round one: debate bites

Wonk: Obama.

Storyteller: McCain.

Expanding: Obama.

Shrinking: McCain.

Chivalrous: Obama.

Wincing: McCain.

Deftly even-handed: Lehrer.

Dodged questions: Obama and McCain.

Petty: McCain.

Pedantic: Obama.

Professorial: neither.

High school vice-principal with a grudge: McCain.

Hit the "four more years" target: Obama.

Hit the "naive and dangerous" target: McCain.

Nixon: McCain.

Kennedy: Obama.

Lehrer: Lehrer.

Aggie Attila the Hun (offstage): Bush.

Aggie Hamlet's father (offstage): Poppy.

Collegiate debate team: Obama.

High school debate team: McCain.

Reliant on the 20th Century: McCain.

Reliant on the 21st Century: Obama.

Red-state power dresser: Cindy McCain

Chicago hottie: Michelle.

Head coaching staff: handlers.

Wingmen: Biden and Leiberman.

Blockers: Biden and FOX NEWS.

Center: McCain.

Quarterback: Obama.

Passed the ball: Obama.

Fumbled the ball: McCain.

Decent ground game: McCain.

Decent end game: Obama.

Best candidate for VP: Lehrer.