Monday, December 18, 2006

Beyond TIME: People of the Year

Over the weekend, Time magazine announced that "You" are the "Person of the Year". You information age types, yes! Person of the year for taking pictures with your cell phone??? You for posting jerky junk to YouTube??? Oh, but THEN there are the "You" bloggers, which means ME!

So good for Time! Excellent choice! Name a better??? Which means better than ME? ME, I, Mr. ABN, yours truly, am now the ORDAINED, TIME-crowned, mylar-mirror-imaged PRINCE of the ITA, the Information Tech Age. ITA... Or does that stand for Idiot Talk Anyone? No matter. You're reading ME, so we're in this together. You're here. I'm here. I've ARRIVED. Welcome to my world!!!

'Course it does seem STRANGE that MOST of the people I know have very little to do with the "You" TIME is proclaiming, either as producers or consumers of unconventional, homegrown media and/or web content. Most of the people I know don't even like to answer their phones much anymore (unless they are SURE it's a cheery voice attached to a name or number they recognize AND if that person's got good news). And most of the people I know still use the WWW surfscape to do what they used to do beside a reading lamp or in their cars -- namely, read the news (from mainstream sources), write mundane notes to friends or, more than ever, to go shopping. So come on, no revolution THERE.

But beyond TIME's "You" of the Year, here, after weeks of Perrier-watered, red-carpeted, fully-catered consulation, are SOME OTHER Persons of the Year, according to the editorial staff here at ABN:

Most Influential Person Who is a Foreign Leader in the West: Hugo "I smell sulphur" Chavez, who recommended to us and to the UN that we read Noam Chomsky to understand the U.S. empire.

2006 Most influential Person Who Is a Foreign Leader in the East: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (recently called "the Bush of Iran", so you know we're all in hot water).

2006 Most "Visible" Woman of the Year: Britney Spears (Brad's girls got some catching up to do)

2006 Most Admired Woman in America: Oprah Winfrey

2006 American Politician of the Year: Barack Obama (between the two O's, O-bama and O-prah, Illinois is looking rather ascendant this season)

2006 Political Comeback of the Year: No, it was not John Kerry, it was... Mr. Inconvenient Truth, Gore, Albert, the Man Who Would Have Been...)

2006 Most Influential Woman in America: Paris Hilton (WATCH IT! I can make a case for this)

2006 Philanthropic Person of the Year: Warren Buffett

2006 Misanthropic Person of the Year: starts with a D, as in... Dick (though it could be Donald)

2006 Most Missed Deity: Jesus Christ

2006 Most Missed Person of the 20th Century: Princess Diana

2006 Runner Up to the Above: Winston Churchill

2006 Most Missed Talk Show Guest Who Made Sense: Carl Sagan

2006 Interviewer of the Year: Charlie Rose (as with Oprah, give him a lifetime achievement award or something)

2006 Television Personality of the Year: Stephen "Truthiness" Colbert

2006 News Anchor of the Year: Stephen Colbert (no, it's NOT Katie Couric, Ms. Cute-But-Where's-The-BEEF, and sorry Stewart, 2004 was your year, now you're just a warm up act for the Cole Bear Rapore)

2006 Comedic Person of the Year: qui, QUI, Monsieur Colbert, n'est pas?

2006 Runner Up to the Above: Louis Black

2006 TV "News" Vamps of the Year, His & Hers Edition: Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace (CNN should be ashamed -- even Greta moved to FOX before stooping to cover ad nauseum the Pretty Dead Girl Parade)

2006 Sports Person of the Year: Andre Agassi (alas, the future doesn't look good for sportsmen who are not moonlighting as pimped up thugs on steroids)

And YOUR People of the "You" Year, dear readers???


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