Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Black-Eyed Peas May Be Answer to World's Ills

Apparently, the experts, whether highly elected or highly paid, haven't been able to solve the world's ills the last few centuries, so I think we can turn to luck and insipid rituals and get results at least as good.

I didn't mean to neglect my duty, but last year, I got distracted. There must have been black-eyed pea lethargy in the air. The rote cynics sidelined whimsy and ritual, and woe is me, I didn't eat any black-eyed peas on New Year's. Nobody in the house did. My sister mentioned it the next day, but by then it was too late. Well, as for 2006, you see how things turned out. Not so well. No world peace, Britney fell from grace, Dick Cheney got a clean bill of health, and I put on a few pounds.

So this year, I made up for it. I ate THREE CANS of black-eyed peas on New Year's Day. So 2007 is a shoo-in for better times ahead. Happy days are here again. Three. Cans. That's almost three POUNDS of sheer, straight, microwaved-and-drained-but-otherwise-unadulterated LUCK. I mean this must be a significant investment in not only MY future but in the prospects for the future of us all, of all species and of life on Earth. Britney will redeem herself, and Dick Cheney will check out -- I mean take early retirement. And as for world peace, visualize if you will, whirled peas.

Surely no other vision says "Fix This Mess" like a three-a-day bowl of such a handsome and unassuming vegetable. And maybe it's not too late for you to make your contribution to our collective betterment by ingesting copious amounts of this excellent source of fiber, so go to it. A decisive dousing with ketchup supplements our luck with special mellowing agents, and from what I can tell lately, you can't get too many of those. Get your daily dose from now 'til Valentine's or even Presidents' Day, and maybe we'll catch a break around here.

From the entire staff here at A Better Nation, good luck to ALL. Happy new '007. And cheers all year!


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