Dear Santa, Herewith: My Wish List

Dear Santa Benefactor, I have been a pretty damed good boy, considering. I've lived for most of a year without a refrigerator, thus saving much electricity. I keep the hot water heater on "vacation low" ALL the time, have for years. And no a/c neithers, and of course no T/V. So good for me.

I have some debts, and my heart aches about those, but my heart is good and well-meaning. I have spoken out against war and strife of all sorts. I am adoring anew some of my favorite Christmas carols. I don't rake religious nuts over the coals. And according to TIME magazine, I am the "You" of the Year.

So there. I deserve some stuff.

Some loot.

I'm a good boy, so gimme the goods.

Besides paying off debts and bills, which would be THE BEST PRESENT EVER, there is some fun stuff, if you are feeling decadent, and apparently from all the flat screen TVs you'll be loading into the sleigh, I am guessing you are a VERY decadent guy. And you eat too much, too. How can you live for centuries like that following the North Pole Diet? Are you strict about it?

Thought so.

Anyways.... Let's start with irony: how about a 32 inch flat screen LCD monitor from Target for only $598? NOT a TV, heavens NO, but a monitor. That way my TV-sin-slate is clear.

Then there's car insurance, a damned big expense, if you ask me, since I haven't filed a claim since early 1981. Damn, that's a lot of money I've spent for others' wrecks! Btw, Santa, does your sleigh have air bags, and do you get a slightly reduced rate for that?

Do those reindeer ever drink on the job? Just asking.

You know, Santa, like about a hundred million other people, I have an Amazon Wish List, and you can link to it here. But unlike millions of that billion, mine currently hovers at around 650 things. And I promise NONE are gratuitous or unworthy. Once every so often I comb over it to be sure it's doing ok and not just getting by but thriving. Guess all those things show how insatiable my appetites are for books and music and movies. Hey, I'm human, and amongst humans, those are not the worst desirables. At least I don't want a Daisy Doubleshot Over Under Whatever "Put Your Eye Out" BB gun, much less a hundred bunkers full of those woe-inducing WMDs, like our president and VP Cheney decidedly do. Like I said, I've been a good boy. Take THAT to the White House!

OK, now for Le List-Oh-Rama:

Here's something I've never asked for before, and if we are to believe what we hear, it is the most popular cop out gift of all nowadays, and that's the G.I.F.T.C.A.R.D., for Chrissakes. I'll take mine from Linens 'N Things, REI, Sierra Trading Post, Lowe's, Home Depot, Target, Hasting's, Lands End, Sears, Powell's Books, Half Price Books, Greyhound, Amtrak, AirTran or ANY airline, really.

Having been without one for the second or third time generally long enough, I do need a 'fridge, a small one, 4+ to 10 cubic feet, no more, preferably with an Energy Star rating for brownie points in Heaven.

And I need an electrician, a plumber and a carpenter. In fact, I hear this holiday and gift giving glut is all cooked up over the birth of one rather renowned carpenter, though it seems he really made his name in preaching.

I need a couch, but I think I'd have to approve. Let's just say, generally, sage or slate blue with a microsuede cover, long enough to lie down on (84" plus), and a sleeper model is a plus.

I need, and I say this as the manly man that I am, a Poulan Handyman 16" electric chainsaw, or BETTER YET, a Poulan PRO 18" electric chainsaw. Yessiree, bob, I'm cuttin' farr-wood.

I need some car work, and that might sound mundane, but hey, keeping up an aging car can cost more than all the furniture in your house, in just one year, all of a sudden, and the thing don't GO. Still, for better or worse 9and there is plenty of both), the car is part of the American (and by extention, HUMAN) religion I can come closest to finding orgiastic, at least as far as non-human powered things go. I've got that inner Kerouac a lot more than most!

And bicycles, my truest deities of transport...I am currently dreaming LIKE A KID of three: (1) A Redline brand 925 single speed, lovely with fenders, 54 centimeters. (2) A Bianchi Cross Concept or San Jose, your choice, 55 centimeters, and most of all, perhaps (3) a Dahon Mu SL folding bike, as is, right off the shelf, and I've seen these for an unbeatable $899 with free shipping, in case you want to take a, ungainly 20 pound load off your sleigh. As the Dahon folds up small, it would save me lots of effort and money to take on my road tripping adventures....

And at last for now, and most of all, here's a BTI -- that would be Big Ticket Item -- that may interest a true benefactor/believer in me and ABN: enough cashola to cover a WALK from Manhattan to Montreal I'd like to do as the basis for a book in the next year or two. Sounds GRAND, and it is. Be the first on your pole to help support a real stab at ART!!!

Oh and one final T.O. (that would be Tall Order): peace on earth, goodwill to... ALL. And I do mean... ALL.


Thanks Santa and thanks to all you ELVES, too. know you'll rock my world!

LorenZOO, who's been sort of a rather decent good boy