Real World Resolutions

I hereby resolve to not resolve to solve world peace.

World peace? Are you kidding?

That's not the real world.

I hereby resolve to enjoy each sip of beer.

That's the real world.

I hereby resolve to eat more mustard.

And different kinds of mustard.

I hereby resolve to feel for others' failings at weight loss.

I hereby resolve to eat three cans of black-eyed peas on New Year's Day 2007 to make up for last year. (DONE.)

I hereby resolve to use spell check more often. (Done: I inadvertently set it on automatic and can't figure out how to unset it.)

I hereby resolve to get a PayPal link for A Better Nation, so I can make it even easier for you to donate to the cause. (Stephen Colbert doesn't need your money, I do! You wanna T-shirt? I'll make T-shirts!) Or shall I resolve to find, for financial frolic (call it debt relief if you have to), a benefactor? Or lucrative work? Or better reasons to get out of my pajamas?

OK, back to reality: I hereby resolve to sell off more of my STUFF on eBay.

I hereby resolve to help get rid of some of the millions of surplus cattle in this world by eating more steak, cooked on my own grill in the front yard where people can see me putting a fork into it.

I hereby resolve to look into buying carbon credits to offset my modest but not inconsequential use of fossil fuels. (I might even sell my car.)

I'm thinking this resolutions thing is pretty cool. More mustard? You bet. And actually taste each sip of beer? Now that's living.

What about the resolution to live in the here and now?

On the other hand, it HAS occurred to me to write a will. Yes, I hereby resolve that someone else shall distribute my detritus after I am dead. Speaking of which, I hereby resolve to ride the bus MORE but to stand in front of moving buses LESS.

If you think about it, most resolutions are about trying to ignore your cravings or at least to put the reins on them, but I resolve to pay MORE attention to my cravings. Like right now. I'm craving a late night bowl of beautiful, shiny burgundy kidney beans, followed by an even later night bowl of white rice. And before that it was Coke Zero (with fresh lime, which I add myself) and chocolate with WALNUTS or pecans.

And as I slouched toward the new year with that $7.78 bottle of Marquis Du Jour or some such, I am still craving a really decent bottle of champagne and a setting worthy of sensual sipping, beside a fireplace, no doubt, or an ocean.

Next thing you know it'll be good SEX or finding the ultimate significant other, that elusive kindred spirit, but this is the real world: resolutions can work to fend off sex, but there's not much resolutions can do about kindred spirits. Attaining nirvana, achieving world peace and making exquisite love with that special someone are all sort of in the same category these days.