Thursday, January 04, 2007

Real World Resolutions

I hereby resolve to not resolve to solve world peace.

World peace? Are you kidding?

That's not the real world.

I hereby resolve to enjoy each sip of beer.

That's the real world.

I hereby resolve to eat more mustard.

And different kinds of mustard.

I hereby resolve to feel for others' failings at weight loss.

I hereby resolve to eat three cans of black-eyed peas on New Year's Day 2007 to make up for last year. (DONE.)

I hereby resolve to use spell check more often. (Done: I inadvertently set it on automatic and can't figure out how to unset it.)

I hereby resolve to get a PayPal link for A Better Nation, so I can make it even easier for you to donate to the cause. (Stephen Colbert doesn't need your money, I do! You wanna T-shirt? I'll make T-shirts!) Or shall I resolve to find, for financial frolic (call it debt relief if you have to), a benefactor? Or lucrative work? Or better reasons to get out of my pajamas?

OK, back to reality: I hereby resolve to sell off more of my STUFF on eBay.

I hereby resolve to help get rid of some of the millions of surplus cattle in this world by eating more steak, cooked on my own grill in the front yard where people can see me putting a fork into it.

I hereby resolve to look into buying carbon credits to offset my modest but not inconsequential use of fossil fuels. (I might even sell my car.)

I'm thinking this resolutions thing is pretty cool. More mustard? You bet. And actually taste each sip of beer? Now that's living.

What about the resolution to live in the here and now?

On the other hand, it HAS occurred to me to write a will. Yes, I hereby resolve that someone else shall distribute my detritus after I am dead. Speaking of which, I hereby resolve to ride the bus MORE but to stand in front of moving buses LESS.

If you think about it, most resolutions are about trying to ignore your cravings or at least to put the reins on them, but I resolve to pay MORE attention to my cravings. Like right now. I'm craving a late night bowl of beautiful, shiny burgundy kidney beans, followed by an even later night bowl of white rice. And before that it was Coke Zero (with fresh lime, which I add myself) and chocolate with WALNUTS or pecans.

And as I slouched toward the new year with that $7.78 bottle of Marquis Du Jour or some such, I am still craving a really decent bottle of champagne and a setting worthy of sensual sipping, beside a fireplace, no doubt, or an ocean.

Next thing you know it'll be good SEX or finding the ultimate significant other, that elusive kindred spirit, but this is the real world: resolutions can work to fend off sex, but there's not much resolutions can do about kindred spirits. Attaining nirvana, achieving world peace and making exquisite love with that special someone are all sort of in the same category these days.


At 1/04/2007 9:34 PM, Blogger Lawrence said...

I don't get most of what I resolve to get, though I do have a day's supply of rice and beans. So send chocolate. And give her my phone number, er, my web address.

At 1/05/2007 6:30 AM, Anonymous RQ said...

Mustard, now that's a formidable goal. Have you studied the options on the mustard shelf???? Mustard is getting as much attention as hot sauce. One kind a day and you'd be into April before you accomplished this goal, and you'd have to sell your pottery collection to finance the search. Bon Appetit??? RQ

At 1/05/2007 8:51 AM, Blogger Lawrence said...

RQ, maybe I'd better just go with ketchup. Not many kinds there, and as Garrison Keillor says, ketchup has special mellowing agents. As for the red stuff, an enterprising culinary entrepreneur introduced a line of fancy-flavored ketchups a few years ago (in New York, I believe, heard this on All Things Considered), and they bombed. Seems Heinz got it right the first time. But then variety is not the only spice of life. An ideal thing and paying attention are essential to spicing up life as well. And it's not that I need to try lots of different mustards (a half dozen would do nicely for a lifetime). It's just that I need to be sure I am paying attention to the tanginess of the now, the flavor of the moment -- and not only in terms of mustard but in all things, the flavor of Here, the Tanginess of NOW. (New zen book title there.) Love your comment, RQ! Thanks for writing!


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